Category: Parent Talk
One of my guy friends is divorced with three kids, one grown & capable of finding her dad for contact. The others are 16 & 13.
I asked how he did visitations, on the weekend or what have you. He told me he hadn't seen them for a year, as his ex didn't answer the phone and probably instructed kids to do the same, and all written correspondence went unanswered. Also friend lacks a vehicle, and I guess Tewksbury isn't accessible by public transportation.
My friend had his driver's license suspended for failure to pay $1500+ in child support. The reason? The job he was supposed to get the man who hired him was let go himself, so that fell through and he failed to get another for a time. The sale of his late mother's estate went mostly to pay her debts and there wasn't much left over between him and his sister. He got the license back recently.
My friend can be put in jail if he misses one payment, but he cannot have access & doesn't have a whole lot to pay attorneys right now to fight. Granted, my friend was stupid...apparently this woman was untreated bipolar, not reliable about taking meds, yet he made THREE kids with her, and they weren't in a succession one right after another, but three years apart each. Nine years is not enough time to sense problems with someone? But still, he had children with her, and he should be allowed time with them. It is also unfair to the kids to be deprived of their dad. Has anyone else been in this situation? If so how did you fight it? Dads in particular? It made me sad when he told me this, as I suspect friend is lonely & kind of dependent on work friendships, I'm just wondering if he can somehow continue to fight his ex to see his kids without totally bankrupting himself.
It probably depends on the state. Frankly I don't get the feminist whiniacs complaining about dads not being around / women having to do it all and then supporting legislation like that, *preventing* the dad from being around, and whatcha wanta bet the mom is telling kids dad doesn't care, dad never wrote ... I know the drill growing up with multiple friends from divorced homes. God help the boy who happens to look like the father, too.
I suggest he take a poke at Fatherville.com - there's a Father's Rights section, or used to be one, which may help. For all this "I want to change my mind every two seconds, I want him to be this or that or the other all at once," they have created a system destined to fail, and although I used to not think it, I'm coming to believe they *wanted it* to fail in the first place, hence the constant and gross logical inconsistencies everywhere.
But even a Google search for Father's Rights may find him a way to do this without breaking the bank, get an organization to back him.
There was once a chapter of NOW an online friend, who is a childless woman, attended. It went belly up due to lack of interest, and guess what the sole topic was? That's right...how to manipulate more child support out of ex husbands/ex boyfriends/ex quickies. The average woman can't relate to the radical feminist agenda, yet it seems to thrive in some areas, even in national law. For example, under Child Support Enforcement with former A G Janet Reno, some feminazis have managed to push for moms to get sole custody, saying mom was doing all of the work. Turns out some of these dads weren't hands on parents because they were military deployed in Iraq.
I don't think such women really want equality at all, but the ol' Orwellian some are more equal than others. My first job out of college was at a battered womens' counseling center, and men there, once they violated a restraining order, as well as their counselors, had to attend a 'VOP' or Violation of Probation hearing to have their probation revoked. My friend's ex has pulled every stunt from trying to get a now former girlfriend's subsidized housing revoked to harrassing him to the point it is almost in the restraining order room. I think if he can go to jail for nonpayment, she should be under house arrest...since teenagers aren't fully self supporting...for violating a joint custody agreement. This witch even made a medical decision, getting a daughter a Gardisill shot, which my friend opposes, behind his back when both parents are to be notified of medical decisions. That way if the crazy witch tries for something like a new job or membership in an organization that requires CORI checks, "Hmm, this one is 'court involved'. No thanks. Job went to another applicant." But I shall have him check out fatherville & other sites for info; thanks!
It sounds as if your friend has an awful lot of excuses for not making more of an effort to see his children. Doesn't have a driver's licence (which was self inflicted from the sounds of it) doesn't have a job, can't afford an attorney. Has he never heard of public transport? Taxi's? This isn't about what his ex is doing to withhold access; what is he doing to get access? Nothing from the sounds of it.
Don't get me wrong – I think that women that prevent their partners from having access are despicable and I have no time for them. As far as I'm concerned if you have children together then you parent them together regardless of your relationship status. But equally if a woman is preventing access to the children then it is down to the father to take steps to prevent that from happening. So you instruct a solicitor (attorney?) to write to the mother, you go to court if you have to and let a judge decide what access to grant. This is not about custody; in the majority of cases custody (we call it residency in the UK) is granted to the parent who is the main carer. But this is about a father being given access to his children, and it is very rare for a judge to not grant any access at all unless the father as been proven to have abused the children or be a risk to them.
These children are not babies, they are old enough to make their own decisions and to possibly even be involved in the process. It is not unheard of for courts to take the wishes of children into account in these cases.
As for your comment "my friend was stupid...apparently this woman was untreated bipolar, not reliable about taking meds, yet he made THREE kids with her, and they weren't in
a succession one right after another, but three years apart each. Nine years is not enough time to sense problems with someone?" That firstly says a lot about your own judgements of people with mental illness (why should he have not had children just because she was bipolar?) and secondly implies that any issues should have been immediately apparent – mental illness does not automatically equal relationship problems, and many relationships that start out well end p breaking down in the future.
I have no idea about the mother of these children. But from what you've written I think your friend needs to stop making excuses and start taking some action to see his children, if that's what he really wants.
I'm honestly not into the "Why not have children" in spite of serious physical or mental illness culture. Bipolar is one thing, but apparently this woman went untreated and was NOT reliable about taking meds once they were prescribed. Second, many medications that are used in treatment with this condition are also anticonvulsant and NOT compatible with pregnancy, also lithium carbonate is HIGHLY TOXIC, in fact they are known to be teratogenic. I was given Depakane as a migraine preventive, and if the doctor fails to tell you it is teratogenic, or known to be associated with birth defects, it's right there on the bottle. I personally believe physical & mental health have a lot to do with whether or not to have a or another child, and I have personally known others who divorced because of untreated bipolar.
But yes, my friend could make more effort, heck anyone if they really want something bad enough they will make more effort to get it. The man could even take taxi to their address if he wanted it that bad. I suspect his situation is a lot like some long term unemployed, the longer people go through it the more beat down, possibly depressed these people become, and after months, years of trying, they finally give up. Unemployment figures a lot of times don't reflect those who have given up, and I sense that with this guy.
They have the attorneys generals website & that there helps them both agree to visitations & child support but if they can not agree it would be taken to court. Since the mom isnt willin to the some sort of visitation then it should jus be taken to court. Yea most likely he will be in trouble for the child support that hasnt been paid but someone needs to take control of this. And yea i too agree that he seems to make excuses because any father that wants to see their kids will do whatever it took to do so. And wrong for the mom not to have their father in their lives. Mayb they should both sit down like mature adults & figure it out without the legal help & all..Jus my opinion.
Not being an attorney or divorced parent myself, how is it supposed to work when a noncustodial parent doesn't pay because he or she doesn't HAVE the money? Increasingly job loss is becoming a fact of life. Are they required to pay back support? Seems to me it would have been irresponsible to use the sale of the late mother's estate for this purpose, and probably not legal, with or without a will. Also irresponsible to leave mom's creditors not paid...
Yeah my friend has given up, and there probably is some side of the story I'm just not hearing, and it isn't just him, but if these kids really wanted contact with their dad at these ages, they'd be making an effort to have it too. IMO there are double standards when it comes to both sexes in divorce. For example one guy who is now an amputee, no longer working with me, and a custodial dad experienced his ex quitting her job to avoid paying child support & even putting him thru false accusations of rape, even accusing a brother who doesn't live in this region of the same, and this is perfectly legal, there is even a specific hospital to do gonorhea testing even though Child Protection Services knows most of these accusations are false. I don't know that anyone is coming after delinquent mom, but I'm sure if a father did this his head would be served on a platter. Men have actually been arrested for nonpayment of support after being released as POW's & coming home from Iraq. It seems to me if a mother isn't meeting her visitation end of things...unless she is fighting in court for supervised visits only or against her ex as an unfit parent...the state shouldn't be so diligent in pursuing the financial end. Isn't this another form of fraud, in a sense charging another person for something he isn't getting? Who wants to order merchandise or a service, never get it, and still be charged? In a sense that's what this is ordering payment without accountability or even any proof that the kids are the only beneficiary of this settlement or that they're even alive and well. This is fraud unless the one violating the agreement can legally contest for whatever reason, for example noncustodial parent is a substance abuser or otherwise unfit.
Yes the non-custodial parent can go to jail..My uncle is now sittin in jail for "nonpayments" but see he has paying but cash. He knew he did wrong but he has no proof that he paid his baby momma..& she is a crazy money hungry b*****...So still i think parents should go thru the attorney generals that way they can agree on everything..why would parents gotta make things difficult & take it to court???
i know you like this guy and he is your friend. my concern is this. every story has two sides and the truth lies somewhere in the middle. as someone else said these kids are old enough to make decisions about who should parent them. if he hasn't seen them for over a year, it is no wonder that they are angry and bitter. the easiest thing to do is make an excuse. the hardest thing to do is remake amends for making that excuse.